A true story of courage

There was no expression on Teacher James’ face. He distributed the classroom work for us to do. It was Bahasa Melayu class and we get to write and colour that day. There were only four of us in the classroom. At that time, I know there was a great chaos going on outside of our school. How did my other classmates have known it earlier but not me?

    On the paper work, there were four items that we have to name and then colour. I remember one of the items was a pencil. I named every item and took out my colour pencils, but how disappointed I was to see there were only four colours left in there and the entire tip was broken! I didn’t have a sharpener and I was too embarrassed to borrow from my other friends.

    Teacher James asked us to quickly finish our colouring. I didn’t think much, in my embarrassment, I braved through the fact that I only had four colour pencils in the box and all of them were broken. I said in my heart, “I must quickly finish this.”

    Suddenly, a loud sound exploded like that of a bomb. We were so shocked but Teacher James asked us to stay calm and to quickly finish our colouring. He stood by me now, waiting for me to finish. I was too embarrassed to look at him because I was holding that tiny broken tip of my colour pencil. He calmly stood by me and when I finished colouring the last picture, he quickly took the paper away.

    I can finally looked up, and realized that I was the last one to pass up my work. My other friends were quiet and looked quite blankly. We all knew something bad was happening outside our school, like there was some kind of a war that’s happening. There were smokes everywhere and many people were gathering on the street. We didn’t understand what was happening but our faces said it was something bad.

    Teacher James asked us to quickly take our bags and follow him, the four of us obliged quietly. While walking outside the classroom but still inside the school compound, I heard terrible loud noises and smell of smokes everywhere. I heard sirens too. I immediately asked myself, “How do I go home?” We didn’t know where Teacher James is bringing us, but we were walking fast, quietly through the back alley.

    At the end of the alley, I saw my mother and my older sister. In my young mind, I was puzzled as to how they got there especially my mother, because she didn’t have a car, my dad always had the car. And I had no recollection at that time that my sister was also schooling at the same school with me! 

    Mom held our arms and we climbed onto a big, green lorry. I was again puzzled and thought mom must have stopped the lorry on the street because we didn’t even know the driver! “That was very brave,” I thought. She braved through it while being on the dangerous street.

    Arriving at the hospital junction, I looked at the driver, he was quiet and looked worried. At such tender age of seven, I also sensed that he was determined to drive away and get us out of that hectic area. He may have his own family to come home to but giving us a lift home that day was very heroic of him.

    In year 1986, a political uproar known as the Sabah Riots broke out between March and May on the street of Sembulan towards Kota Kinabalu city centre. Individuals were struggling to go through their own personal ordeal during that period of chaos.

    Certainly from braving through the embarrassment of not having a perfect box of colour pencils to braving through the street calling on a stranger to save her children to braving through a sacrifice of ownself helping others to get home safely. 

    We stood outside of our comfort self that day and survived the chaos, externally and internally.

    What a day to remember!

Of Loss of Someone

Spending the last physical hours with her was crucial. It was a time of mixed feelings, of letting go and of retaining her. The best and the least was retaining her in this four-walls of a broken heart. 

The mixed feelings were like a tempestuous sea that knows no boundary. But one thing that stayed firm, was the final refuge that she has given me in the midst of grief in a vast abyss. 

She has brought me dancing, with the ruach, given me words of comfort that very much appeared as the Light, confirming my faith that I am not lost as I confirmed to her, her God-given ability.

We were two friends communicating at the universe-level, the spirit-level, sitting side by side near the stars. God, you are so great for creating and sustaining such fellowship at a vast level. Can I find another? Death, You say, is a seed of a new life. Just like dead leaves nurturing the soil and out come new trees. Perhaps… For sure.

As I look at her as the wood covered her face, I felt dead myself. Once again, the Light of hope that reappeared through her, vanished, and I am back to grieving, only now it felt double. I wanted to go back to happy days, but it was so far behind and my energy could not sustain my wish. 

She was covered. Soon she was buried, but I could not bring myself to witness it, yet my heart is buried enough.

I was back at the abyss, with no trees, no human hands, that I can grab and hang onto. My legs were weak and shaking greatly, I could not feel the ground. Air of fear filled my stomach, I felt I was floating and soon hit the ground below me, and this happened many times, with no indication of time when it will end.

She came and given me comfort from this abyss and confirming my understanding. But now she is gone, and I am back to being alone. But this time I have with me, words of understanding, that she handed to me, from the ruach.

Still devastated, I decided to have a healthy drink, stopped by at the famous stretch of coconut juices and grilled food. My spider totem said it bears message about light and darkness and the delicate balance between the two. So with cigarettes in my hands and a healthy coconut juice, I was sitting at a particular stall, alone, with only smokes from the grill permeated the air. Felt like I was catapulted out to the air from a roller coaster with no measures of security.

There was nothing I could do to bring her back and the comfort that is embedded in her soul. I sat there quietly without knowing what to think or what to pray. I was amazed that I didn’t faint out of dehydration for the lack of water and for the full blast of tears. 

I stayed there for hours, didn’t want to go back to familiar places. Just watching the ‘now’ without thinking yet while feeling deep.

Happy thoughts, happy days… were what I was wishing. But I am forced to taste life at its truestness; if such word doesn’t exist then words are not enough to describe the experience. The truest life is made of light and shadow, wheat and weed, death and resurrection. I realized there’s no running away from this, it befalls every man and woman ever living on earth.

The burn that I feel inside my heart gives way, little by little, to a clearer path. A tragedy has happened and I have no control over it, thus the raging fire burned my ego that I am forced to detach from it for fear of total annihilation – the death of my soul.

Why do I feel this so deeply? Take it away! Take it away! I want nothing to do with it! Give me happy days! Then the wind blew the thick smokes of the grill, slapping my face, bringing a message, “One must not crave the roses, if she cannot grasp the thorns.” Aghh!

I realized I must make a choice, which ironically, there is only one. The ruach that is always in me gave me no choice but to choose Life. There, in the middle of a busy street, I was forced to abandon attachments. It was not without a great fight with the giants in me, I could literally felt the pull to my left and to my right. But the pulls subsided when I made my decision. Then I realized it was possible only through humility. Humility to accept what is.

After two rounds of coconut juice, I picked up my bag and my car key and I drove home, then I slept my exhaustion away.

...of loss of a friend, mother, father, a brother, sister, loved ones in all persons.

One that will surely follow death is Life.

Fire...

I was reading a blog by an Australian writer/songwriter this evening, and i got so amazed with the simplicity of her expression of words and feelings. I admire her ability to express her thoughts freely. They really do come from the heart. And i find that it triggered my heart to start to write again. It's been so so long since i last wrote on this page. I haven't written for over a year now. The only time i write is hand-writing on a journal i got as a gift from my friend. I tried to embrace the feelings of hand-writing as many says that 'nothing beats the original', but i just couldn't find the fire cos' hand writing is slow and my own is ugly! It didn't spark the fire in me to continue writing on a regular basis. And just recently my laptop crashed, i burnt the chipset, now i have to get it replaced. The store said it would cost me about RM250 or less or more. I think i'm just going to procrastinate for a while on that.Thank God there is still a desktop in this house.

The other reason i think why i stopped writing for a while is because my thoughts are jumbled up and i find that my line of words do not sync with the next line of words. It's like i want to say so many things in just 1 paragraph. I thought to myself, i better not write anything or i will appear ridiculous. Another setback is the fear of expressing my thoughts and my feelings. That is the major no-no for someone who loves to write! Yes, i find myself in fear of expressing myself in writing! So for over a year i kept quiet and i think i'm killing me softly with it! Lol!

But reading other people expressing their emotions today triggered the fire inside and i braved through this and i followed Nike who always say Just Do It! What Nike should explain is the feelings of freedom when you just do it. But that would be too long of a tagline. Yes just do it just do it and just do it. Worst is others will ridicule you but what they dont know is you have won. Yea i feel like a winner tonite. *Smile*

So, after this im going to get a really nice shower and tuck me in to an early sleep (I deserve that because i've been working OT for 3 days already).

Thank you God who knows most than any human being and thank you again for not 'sodom and gomorrah' us for thinking that we know more than you. In Jesus name Amen!

The Genocide in Cambodia

One of the dearest topics in my list is the genocide war in Cambodia. So dreadful how evil destroys human.

A genocidal war broke out in the whole of Cambodia in 1975-1979. Who was the culprit? A Cambodian himself, Pol Pot. He was Khmer by race, the indigenous race in the country. This war has resulted in the killing of approximately 2 million khmer people, men, women as well as children out of a population of 8 million (25% of the country’s population)

Why did he do this? Pol Pot believes in indigenous sentiment, that a country must be original without the intervention of other culture such as the modern western (although he himself was educated in France and later involved in the French communist militia).

This sentiment is a mirror of the communism mindset that he adopted while studying in France. Everything must be originally traditional Khmer, but since Cambodia was already involved in the international arena, like other countries in Asia too, a tough and huge effort has been made by Pol Pot to create a pure Cambodia and turn into an agrarian society, communist style. 

 Photo by: http://incredibleimages4u.blogspot.com

Side-note: This sentiment is the exact sentiment of Adolf Hitler as well. His fundamental beliefs:  the German or 'Aryan' master-race must be kept 'pure', with no intermarriage; Germany must be made great again, taking new territory to the east as its rightful lebensraum ('space for living'); the Aryans' greatest enemy is the Jews - http://www.ppu.org.uk/genocide/g_holocaust.html

The enemies of Pol Pot were those fellow Cambodian who live with western influence, who had jobs outside agriculture field (singers, artists, doctors etc) and especially those who worked for the government before. Pol Pot was also suspicious over the Vietnamese so they made it into his list of enemies as well. 

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The start of the blackest years of the Cambodian

April 17, 1975 – Pol Pot communist regime defeated the Cambodian Government and thus took over in governing the country. This new government was called The Khmer Rouge. They rammed into Phnom Penh and ordered an immediate evacuation of the residence from PP to a new place.

This was the order they gave the city people: “Take as little as you can, you will not need your city belongings. You can return in 3 days time, no one is allowed to stay here. The U.S will bomb the city, the U.S will bomb the city!”

Everyone packed their things and started the march, they didn’t know where they were heading, everyone simply followed the crowd and the Khmer Rouge’s soldiers had their eyes on everyone. The march continued for several weeks, and months, along the way, many died of hunger and exhaustion. Also, many were killed by the soldiers because seemed that they didn’t belong to Cambodia.

These people were doctors, lawyers, executives, bankers, business owners, government employees, engineers, professionals, basically those who had jobs in Phnom Penh other than farmers. All were brutally killed, raped and tortured. The Khmer Rouge has a slogan “to spare you is no profit, to destroy you is no loss”.  Those who were farmers back in Phnom Penh, can live and joined the new status they were given called ‘the new people’ (basically means original khmer).

Great division among families were widely practiced, parents and small children live in one province, their daughters lived in another, and their sons in another. Pol Pot and his gang, they are called the Angka, said “if there is no unity, there will be no rise against Angka”.

He brainwashed the people – sons killed their fathers and mothers, relatives killed each other, falling in love is forbidden, playing is forbidden, religion was banned, all leading Buddhist monks were killed and temples destroyed. Every level of people from the youngest to the oldest worked in the paddy fields. Every province has their own paddy fields. Millions of tones of paddy were produced each year, but the Cambodian has only liquid rice to eat, twice a day i.e. lunch and dinner.

If you were the last on the queue, you won’t get any rice; all you get was liquid with nothing inside. So they were hungry all the time, that they didn’t have the energy to fight, all they care was to have something to eat. Starvation is one of Angka’s strategies as well.

So for whom was the millions tones of paddy? CHINA! Pol Pot was fascinated with the Chinese communist regime and established a relationship with them. China produced weaponry for the Khmer Rouge and in return they received millions tones of rice each year. With this agreement, the people of Cambodia continue to suffer back then. 

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The end of the war

It began in 1978 when Vietnam invaded Cambodia because of Khmer Rouge’s constant border attack. This has given the Cambodian, HOPE. Do check the book First They Killed My Father by Loung Ung (on page 165), and see how hope lifted the people’s motivation to survive, although they were still in constant hunger and weakness.

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First they killed my father a daughter of Cambodia remembers

All these details of the lives of millions of Cambodian in the Khmer Rouge era was written beautifully and as detailed as she can remember, in Loung Ung’s First They Killed My Father.

Loung was only 5 years old when this horrific war happened. She, with her 6 other siblings and parents braved through the war and she have the details for us to remind ourselves that evil exist.

An excerpt from Loung Ung’s book:

            As April turns into May and May into June, the leaves shrivel, the trees turn brown, and the river streams dry up. Under the summer sun, the stench of death is so strong in the village, I cover my nose and mouth with my hands and breathe only the air that filters through my fingers.

            There are so many dead people here. The neighbours are too weak to bury all the corpses. Often the bodies are left in the hot sun, until the smell permeates the surrounding air, causing everyone passing by to pinch their noses. The flies come buzzing around the corpses and lay millions of eggs on the bodies. When the bodies are finally buried, they are nothing more than large nests of maggots.

            For lack of anything else to do when my body gets too sick to work in the garden, I often watch the villagers dispose of the corpses. I see them dig a hole underneath the hut of the dead family and cringe as they push the bodies into the hole. The dead families are buried together in one grave. There were times when such scenes terrified me, but I have seen the ritual performed so many times that I now feel nothing. The people who die here have no relatives to grieve for them.

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Loung Ung now lives in Ohio with her husband and she is a national spokesperson for the Campaign for a Landmine Free World, a program of the Vietnam Veterans of America Foundation. Besides First They Killed My Father: A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers (P.S.), she is also the author of Lucky Child: A Daughter of Cambodia Reunites with the Sister She Left Behind (P.S.)

“This book left me gasping for air…In the end the horror of the Cambodian genocide is matched only by the author’s indomitable spirit.” – Iris Chang, author of The Rape of Nanking.

Related books and movies about Cambodia Genocide:

Lucky Child: A Daughter of Cambodia Reunites with the Sister She Left Behind by Loung Ung

S21 prison is located in Phnom Penh, the capital. It was where thousands were tortured and killed by the Khmer Rouge soldiers. Victims would be chained and kept here before they are sent to the Killing Fields, located in outskirts of the capital. In this documentary, interviews were carried out with the victims as well as those who used to work for Pol Pot as S21 guards. I’ve been to S21 myself and thousands of pictures during S21 operation are displayed. Not only pictures of victims and killings, but also each room in S21 are kept in its originality (minus the bloods) to show us how the Khmer Rouge torture and kill the victims.

 

A movie based on real story in the genocidal war. A story of a New York Times correspondent, Sidney Schanberg who found friendship with a Khmer, Dith Pran. Dith Pran has an opportunity to escape Cambodia when the US army evacuates the Cambodian citizens but Schanberg managed to persuade Dith to stay and keep sending him first hand news. But Schanberg dreaded with guilt, did his best to arrange for Dith’s escape but Dith was captured by the Khmer Rouge. What happened to Dith?

The Damage Done

In 1978, Warren Fellows was caught red-handed in Thailand airport for drug dealing and was thrown to Bangkok's most notorious prison, Bang Kwang prison. Here, he lived for 12 years and all the stories of brutality and terror behind this 'hell on earth' are told in the Bestselling True Story, Damage Done.

Warren wrote this book to share his experience of non-human treatment the prisoners received while being imprisoned. I let Warren explained it to you, "I do not tell this story to bring pity to myself. I know that many people hate me for what i did and would believe that i deserved whatever i got. I can only ask those people to keep reading. If, at the end of my story, you still believe that anyone could deserve the horrors that i saw, then you, too, are a criminal. A vengeful and sadistic one. Maybe you just haven't been caught yet."

Warren had been transferred to a few prisons beside Bang Kwang, he'd been imprisoned in Maha Chai and Lard Yao prisons as well. Although the treatment between these prisons are different but they are still categorized as 'hell'. Can this 'hell' really change criminals to be a better person while inside or after they are out to the real world? Perhaps prisons are where one is suppresed from doing crime and when they are out, they are free once again. Change starts from the heart, we have no need to go far.

How is the condition inside these prisons that Warren been to? I'll write some incidents written on this book to give everyone a glimpse on the notorious prisons of Bangkok.

"David told us to hold the Frenchman down, as he was going to lance the lump with the razor. As soon as the blade sliced the skin, the wound opened up like a new flower. And out of the gash in the Frenchman's neck spilled hundreds of tiny, worm-like creatures, wriggling and oozing out like spaghetti...According to the hospital staff who examined him later, a cockroach had crawled into his ear, burrowed through to his neck and laid its eggs. A man who, somewhere, had a mother and a father, family and friends, had been left to become a living nest for maggots." - pg x-xi

"I was so starving hungry I thought i could have eaten anything. But when i saw what was offered - 3 plates of rice on the ground with a dirty liquid that looked like it might be some kind of stagnant soup - i began to lose my appetite immediately." - pg 53

"The thing people don't realise is that it's not appliances and simple comforts that give people their freedom, but the ability to exercise options. To eat when you want to, shower when you want to, go for a walk or talk to a particular person late at night. These are the things you really notice when they are taken away from you". - pg 54

"In the morning we were taken downstairs for a bath. This consisted of stripping naked and splashing ourselves with water from a horse trough. The water itself was filthy, siphoned from a nearby river which was full of excrement and rotting carccasses of animals." - pg 55

"I had heard of a game once played in Maha Chai - a game that had gone on to become something of a legend. I never saw this happen myself, but i saw drawings the other prisoners had done that depicted the game." - pg 57

"...we would be shackled like animals everyday. It seemed unbelievable that these chains, so rusty and dirty and already eating into my ankles, would not be off my feet at anytime..." - pg 59

"..the entire cell was so thick with the smell of excrement that there was scarcely any point in using the toilet." - pg 60

"It was Building Two that the prisoners feared most. Building Two was the punishement building, and it housed some of the darkrooms...that absolutely no sunlight penetrated the blackness of the darkrooms." - pg 60

On sewer rats: "They'd come out at night in little packs and they'd ferociously attack, biting chunks out of you as you slept. It was dreadful. If you tried to defend yourself, say, by kicking at them, they were quick enough to take a piece out of your foot.." - pg 62

"After 2 days, i was awoken one night to hear the distinct sound of a woman's voice..it seemed to echo eerily throughout the building...Building Nine, he said, used to be the women's prison, a place of terrible reputation where rape and murder were daily occurrences." - pg 100-101

"...Bang Kwang is an evil place where no foreigner should be sent, no matter how serious their crime." - pg 117

"Your embassy comes once a month, and you get 30 minutes with them. Get this perfectly clear - the other 30 days, i've got you for every minute. Do you understand?" - Bang Kwang's guard's common threat - pg 126

"They beat him so badly i could not understand why he was still alive and breathing. His skin was broken and streaming with blood. A bone on his arm was sticking out through the flesh and his legs were crippled and mishappen....As if sensing they had pushed him to within an inch of his life, the guards stopped." - pg 128

What right have we got to torture other humans? If yes, then we are arrogant to say that we are living without faults and sins.

More gruesome stories by Fellows in his book:

Forgiveness in possible

It's been a loooong time since i last write something here. I should have written regularly but for the last 1 year, writing was not put in my priority list. I should right? I'll try.

So after so long, i'd like to share what i've learned about 'forgiveness', that it is possible. It's kinda cliche isn't it to hear this. That's why they said 'theory is just for the eyes and the ears,  but experience is for the whole of you'. Since i've experienced it, let me just share what i feel. I repeat, share what i feel, not to change your point of view, but to just share mine.

'i'm so loaded with happiness when i finally learned forgiveness. I am not burdened with my vengeance but i feel lighter than before. To ask forgiveness is easier and to forgive is double the happiness in me'

Forgiveness is possible when i have understood that i cannot do it on my own cos i am not designed to do it on my own. I am desgined to partner with God in order to learn it.

A story of Eve and the old woman

Eve

Eve arrives at the village sweating all over, dropped her bagpack to the ground and look at the time.

"Thank God it's only 3 o'clock", she thought. She needs to do what her heart tells her.

"I need to find a place to stay, this is hard but this is what i want to do, this is what i'm here for", she thought again, this time with higher spirit. She recognized this spirit, it's the same spirit she had when she was sitting in front of her boss and told him she is resigning on a 24 hours notice.

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The old woman

"Oh..i'm staying at home today Emma, so many chores to do around here, the dishes, the sweeping, I have delayed cleaning the kitchen for more than a month now", said the old woman, clutching her hands together, she has a heavy heart saying no to invitations, in fact she is not used to saying no.

"Oh..i thought you never miss doing your chores?", said Emma, her hands on her forehead, covering her eyes from the sunrays.

"I didn't sleep well last night, usually i've finished all the housework by 10 o'clock but today i..ehmm..overslept", said the old woman, somewhat appeared like she is lying.

They waved each other goodbye as Emma started to walk away. In her mind, she could not wait to hear Mrs. William's story. Or gossip.

She didn't exactly lie to Emma, she didn't sleep well because she had the strangest dream.

In her dream, there were three men chasing her in the jungle, the men were wearing their traditional garments, she didn't recognized the tribal group but she knows they were going to kill her if she is caught. She was running but her feet could not bear her much speed. While running, she turned her head to see the men, they were closer to her now.

Then without warning she was already standing on a bridge, she dived into a sea and swam to the middle of the sea where the depth is greater. She was in much fear, afraid of the creatures under the sea, afraid of something might pull her legs and she will be underwater for a long time and eventually die.

That did not happen instead she saw herself standing in front of thousands of people, she was giving a speech and she had finished, everyone applaused, amazed by her speech and the spirit behind the speech. She was the woman in her dream, only at that time, she was much younger.

Before the dream ended, she was told by a voice to wait.

She remembers the voice, for no apparent reason, somehow she feels the voice is telling her to wait at home today. She is not certain, but the old woman believes in the mysteries of the heart. Furthermore, she is tired from last night's 'adventure'.

This is the part where she didn't tell Emma. For her, Emma, Doris, Mrs. William and Jim's wife do not have to know about this thing because they do not understand about the mysteries of the heart.

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The meeting

The old woman is busy sweeping the leaves in her backyard, thanks to the three mango trees she grows. She has the mango trees for the last 8 years. She makes the best mango pie in the village. During the fruit festival down town, she sells many different sizes of mango pie. Almost all people in the village especially the twins Johnny and Freddy, love the pie so much. Each can never finish even one slice but they still want more. "Enthusiasm of children", she thought.

"Hello, hi there, good evening maam", said Eve. The old woman is startled to see the girl.

"Good evening, where do you come from?", asked the old woman. Surprised by the sudden greet.

"Oh, i'm from Asia, Borneo, have you heard of Borneo?", said Eve. She's praying hard in her heart that she would not be rejected at the first trial to find a place to stay.

"And you're here for?", the old woman asked. She didn't mean to sound rude, just curious.

"I was at your front yard, I saw you here, i called you but you didn't hear me, so i decided to greet you here at your back yard. I didn't mean to be rude and intrude your compound. My name is Eve, i'm from Malaysia. I'm on a long holiday trip. I like adventure and on this trip, I'd like to do things out of the ordinary. Like for example instead of staying in a hotel or a motel or in a guesthouse, I'd like to stay in a local's house. Why? Because i would really like to know the culture and the people", explained Eve. She had rehearsed that in her mind many times before.

"Oh", the old woman is still digesting the long explanation.

"Are you alone or are there more people with you?", she asked.

"I'm alone, this is my solo trip", said Eve. She is filled with hope.

"So, you want to stay in my house?", asked the old woman.

"Yes, if that is okay with you and your family", said Eve, asking for permission.

The old woman thought, "she looks like an honest girl, but looks can deceive".

"I know this sounds strange. It's entirely up to you, I won't force you to accept me in your house. If you need more time to think about this and discuss with your family, I can wait here", said Eve and looked at her watch, it's 5.30 in the evening and prays hard in her heart.

Like wind rush from nowehre, like lightning struck the earth in high speed, like love at first sight, the old woman's heart is captured when she heard the word 'wait'. She remembers the voice in her dream.

"Could this be related?", she thought, hoping for an answer, she is curious.

"It is almost night time, if not here, this girl will still go door to door and ask the same question, is she doesn't find any house that will accept her, then she would end up at Natty's Inn. Then it would defeat the whole purpose of her adventurous trip", thought the old woman.

What she's really doing is putting reasoning to her intuition. As if the heart is not trustworthy that the logical mind has to support it.

"Come on in, i'll prepare dinner", said the old woman.