Of Loss of Someone

Spending the last physical hours with her was crucial. It was a time of mixed feelings, of letting go and of retaining her. The best and the least was retaining her in this four-walls of a broken heart. 

The mixed feelings were like a tempestuous sea that knows no boundary. But one thing that stayed firm, was the final refuge that she has given me in the midst of grief in a vast abyss. 

She has brought me dancing, with the ruach, given me words of comfort that very much appeared as the Light, confirming my faith that I am not lost as I confirmed to her, her God-given ability.

We were two friends communicating at the universe-level, the spirit-level, sitting side by side near the stars. God, you are so great for creating and sustaining such fellowship at a vast level. Can I find another? Death, You say, is a seed of a new life. Just like dead leaves nurturing the soil and out come new trees. Perhaps… For sure.

As I look at her as the wood covered her face, I felt dead myself. Once again, the Light of hope that reappeared through her, vanished, and I am back to grieving, only now it felt double. I wanted to go back to happy days, but it was so far behind and my energy could not sustain my wish. 

She was covered. Soon she was buried, but I could not bring myself to witness it, yet my heart is buried enough.

I was back at the abyss, with no trees, no human hands, that I can grab and hang onto. My legs were weak and shaking greatly, I could not feel the ground. Air of fear filled my stomach, I felt I was floating and soon hit the ground below me, and this happened many times, with no indication of time when it will end.

She came and given me comfort from this abyss and confirming my understanding. But now she is gone, and I am back to being alone. But this time I have with me, words of understanding, that she handed to me, from the ruach.

Still devastated, I decided to have a healthy drink, stopped by at the famous stretch of coconut juices and grilled food. My spider totem said it bears message about light and darkness and the delicate balance between the two. So with cigarettes in my hands and a healthy coconut juice, I was sitting at a particular stall, alone, with only smokes from the grill permeated the air. Felt like I was catapulted out to the air from a roller coaster with no measures of security.

There was nothing I could do to bring her back and the comfort that is embedded in her soul. I sat there quietly without knowing what to think or what to pray. I was amazed that I didn’t faint out of dehydration for the lack of water and for the full blast of tears. 

I stayed there for hours, didn’t want to go back to familiar places. Just watching the ‘now’ without thinking yet while feeling deep.

Happy thoughts, happy days… were what I was wishing. But I am forced to taste life at its truestness; if such word doesn’t exist then words are not enough to describe the experience. The truest life is made of light and shadow, wheat and weed, death and resurrection. I realized there’s no running away from this, it befalls every man and woman ever living on earth.

The burn that I feel inside my heart gives way, little by little, to a clearer path. A tragedy has happened and I have no control over it, thus the raging fire burned my ego that I am forced to detach from it for fear of total annihilation – the death of my soul.

Why do I feel this so deeply? Take it away! Take it away! I want nothing to do with it! Give me happy days! Then the wind blew the thick smokes of the grill, slapping my face, bringing a message, “One must not crave the roses, if she cannot grasp the thorns.” Aghh!

I realized I must make a choice, which ironically, there is only one. The ruach that is always in me gave me no choice but to choose Life. There, in the middle of a busy street, I was forced to abandon attachments. It was not without a great fight with the giants in me, I could literally felt the pull to my left and to my right. But the pulls subsided when I made my decision. Then I realized it was possible only through humility. Humility to accept what is.

After two rounds of coconut juice, I picked up my bag and my car key and I drove home, then I slept my exhaustion away.

...of loss of a friend, mother, father, a brother, sister, loved ones in all persons.

One that will surely follow death is Life.